meeting you before depavali

Dear Aryan,
I'm writing to you after i met you in Mumbai on Last week ( Nov 4- Nov 9th) . I could spent 3 days with you.  I have seen drastic change in our personality, being a small kid, it just a  reflection of bad environment you are growing up. And i'm deeply concerned about it, and being a hapless parent who don't have any control on your future. There is nothing i could possibly do as your mother controls my access to you.

I was so sad and broke down when you are crying for me at the airport while i'm leaving to hyderabad. You wanted to come with me crying inconsolably , i requested your Mother to send you with me  as anyway she was planning to come to join me in hyderabad in few days. She refused budge. And however painful it is i had to put you back in her car.  I felt so terrible and helpless.

Here i'm in hyderabad waiting and hping to to see you.

your father

dear Aryan

Dear Aryan Aanna,
Its been a while since I last saw you.my life and fate has been altered irretrievably..I feel terrible loss with out you around. But there not much i can do...i'm trying to pull up socks and be useful to the needy and thereby add some meaning to my life and existence. I look at others who are more unfortunate than me, the one who have lost there dear children and still trying to live, and I feel some solace looking at them and thinking at least you are safe and alive, I  still have the hope that one day you will come to see me( I only hope that day comes before i die).

There are so many dreams i built around you, playing with you, teaching you & riding bicycle with you, going for swimming, teaching languages, sciences and maths, taking you with me to see the world, or just to be with you and grow old with you, and one final day just rest in your lap pass way from this world with peace and content. I have downloaded so many books and so  many amazing programs that i wished you  read and watch. I used to plan every little thing with for you - the schools you need to go , the clothes that look good on you. But all these dreams evaporated in to a thin mist and nothing left.  You have been constantly at the back of mind, you still are, forever you will be.

Dear Aryan,
Im writing this after a long time.  Many things happened. Your mom wanted to give it one last try for 6 months to save this marriage for you and now born sister of yours. I gave in, in spite realizing that she is twisted in her mind and nothing will change,  as your the one for whom i breath. So that i can be with you 

How are U Nanna

Bujjinanna,
Hope you are doing fine....blissfully unaware of the tragedy that has befallen on us. I constantly think of not thinking of you but there lies the irony. You are in all my prayers, I pray for your happiness, your proper growth and i'll be happy when turn out to be a able young man one day- Honest, Genuine, successful, balanced, good at heart and loves everyone around devoid of any hatred or ill will. I pray for that.

its has been 3 days you were gone

It has been 3 days since you were gone. Trying to be a man - not to cry and show my emotions- and come to terms with it, but its been difficult. I lost my new iPhone  which has all the pictures and videos i have taken of you during last two months that you are with me ...that is more depressing than anything else. May be it has to go too - so that all memories of you have to be erased- in order for me to live. Otherwise it would be difficult to live, a constant question keeps ringing in my head, what did i achieve in life??? nothing ..absolutely nothing. And no interest to do anything just mechanically living....cause i cant die as there my parents who as it is so depressed with all these police/court cases and lost respect in society and they wont be able to bear it if  they lose me.  I don't have a meaning to my life after you are gone. I guess  everyone has to go one day, i too would, sooner or later. what is the point in developing these attachments and everyday crying and dying slowly. My parents and sister endured all the pain and suffering because of me and no fault of theirs, still stand  by me. they made me what i'm today. I think at least need to give them some comfort in their last phase of their life. May be i wont find happiness with all this but at least i'll try to find peace, as long as i live.
Good luck to you Aryan, and you always have my blessings.

Finally you are gone

I surrendered you to your mother today.The primary reason i have given up is two fold: (i) I dont want this court cases to go on and with no end and drag my mom, sister and uncle on whom your mother has filed false charges; (ii) Secondly, however despicable person she is, she is carrying and its last 3 months of her pregnency and i dont want to drag her through this and let this affect the unborn innocent child. This is weighing on me for a while. And that is the reason I gave you up with out even proper mutual agreement in place, as i wanted to give up ASAP before my travel.

But given the cunning and scheming female she is, its was not without last minute drama ( Its her nature and she is not going to change). She didn't want any written MOU, she just said what she wanted stating that she is withdrawing because she got her son back and telling judge that please see that i wont take you ever from her, failing to realize its she who was taking you away from me all along and I got into this as she with in a span of 4 days wanted to take go back to Mumbai with you. Just politely told her that without 'trust' there can be no relation.  Anyways no point in taking about a female who is mentally twisted, and has no emotions/no feelings, no empathy, no regret and no remorse. Person of this nature will never change. She has left no chance for compromise.My parents are in the last phase of their life and at least i'll serve them to the best i can .

I'm sitting at home in solitude trying to come to terms with the void that has replaced your presence in my life. and i need to get used to it. I guess we are not meant to be father and son. And probably i wont even be able to see the brother/sister who is yet to be born.  I'll try to forget you. I guess this is the end.

March 10 th -two days before you leave

As usual took you to meet your mother in KBR park.we both amicably agreed on the following: she will voluntarily withdraw the 498a and 363 criminal cases she filed against me and my family. And I will voluntarily return you to her. Finally an to end this saga.

I only wished she realizes and feels sorry for what she has done- given what she is she will never have a slightest feeling of regret nor remorse, she never had any to begin with.I guess it's too late for me to even think of all this.

Its just two more days to go, once the case is closed on 12th you will go to your mommy forever--these are precious two days for me. Don't know if i'll get to see you again. Funny thing is you sitting next to me watching what I'm typing and having ice cream. Blissfully oblivious of what is going on.

Your mom keeps saying she will be in Hyderabad but knowing her she will leave to Mumbai the very next day with you. I have no hopes to the contrary.I don't know if this is the right thing I'm doing by giving you up but i felt that is the right thing to do.

You will always be in my mind and hopefully when you grow up you will probably come to see me. 

March 7

Lot of things happened last one month. It has dawned upon me that there won't be any amicable settlement. Anyways not a happy state to be in.

Im sitting in KBR park writing this blog waiting for your mother to tell me when i can pickup you up. Today I took you to meet her at 4.30 pm. Got 1/2 hour late  due to traffic. I was  not feeling comfortable   sitting opposite to her and wanted to get away from there . You are happy to see her. I was feeling like a stranger, the thought of inevitablilty that you would go one day to her is discomforting.  I wish this case ends soon so that I can return you to her and move on. Hopefully she will get along with her life and  you kids and wont harass me for something or other. Given what she is that's what she will do, even if I want peace  she won't let me live in peace. 

Hopefully Monday judge quashes this case.

One thing that keeps coming back to mind again and again is how comfortable people are telling blatant lies with no sense of guilt and defending/justifying those lies to the hilt. I guess that shows who they are and their upbringing. Hopefully I will the light at end of the tunnel sooner than later.

Feb 3rd

The court has granted Interim stay of all further proceedings on Jan 19 and it coming to an end on Feb 19.  elders were trying to negotiate with Shalini but given the kind of cunning, ruthless and street smart female she is she will not come for any settlement. she would want arayn back, and not want to withdraw the cases she files, even if she withdraws it by remote chance she will not say she made false allegations. The most disgusting female i ever came across. I came to know that she was a characterless person - got know if she is like Aninitha naidu's mom- and they digged her past and told be i got trapped to her.

Living with her would be sure short death , and how will Aryan grow in these circumstances? 

bail hearing

Dear Aryan,
You are fast asleep and i have some time to put my thoughts together.I feel your mommy is your mommy after, I think however much i love you and how much i long for you, i feel you need mommy too and eventually i would have to return you to her. Not because i fear legal consequences ( i'm  illegal anyway now with all the arrest warrant against me and the court cases), but my conscience is not comfortable. I would rather lose you to her than take you away from her. May be these are your last days with me....i dont know if i would ever see you.

I don't know if she ever see reason, if she does we wouldn't have been in this situation. Anyways, separation however painful is only choice. Hopefully i will get a bail tomorrow and may be shalini comes for a compromise. 

roller coaster ride

Nanna,
it has been a while i wrote ...a hell a lot things happened from Jan 3rd to now. Our whole world has changed upside down. Your mom wanted to take you and go back to Mumbai on 4th jan. She has hardly been back here  less than a week. I told her if you want to leave you can but Aryan is not going anywhere (I don't think she came back at her own will but i guess at her parents push. Though she was physically here i felt she just wanted to go back. Back in mumbai she has no responsibilities to take care of...her mommy does everything). She threatened that she will put me and my parents me behind bars,  i said try that.  And at her provocation,  i took you from her hands,  and she started screaming at top her voice that i'm taking you away (I wasn't at that moment, nor did have any plan to that effect. i just came back after taking you out for play and waiting to have dinner, and i'm on slippers with gym clothes. Moreover i need to take your grandfather to hospital the very next day). And your grandpa who was taking a stroll in the hall was perplexed about it all, and asked her why is she shouting? She shouted at him to "Shut up" and promptly started calling police. I grabbbed her phone and threw it down to prevent her calling police. She went and broke landline phone and was looking for break my laptop.to avoid any further trouble I went down with you and laptop back. I have watchman bending his head in shame. I didnt feel like staying there so i took you out in the car for drive within the apt complex.
No sooner, i m getting calls from police, and as she threatened before, i felt she is filing 498a case( which i came to know she did later) with no option left i left to airport to avoid any arrest.  The biggest regret i had was leaving my father like that.  He needed me. i feel sorry that i left him like that.

After that my whole life was downhill...we went to US, you are glued to me every single minute and i couldnt even go to toilet alone. There is guilt , frustration, anger, helplessness all combined together. One lady who is reposnsible for these state of affairs is your mother. A crroked lady, with twisted perception of reality, always angry or upset at something or other, and with undue and unjustified expecations, filed with anger and rage and exposively voilent behaviour, and her mother supporting her to the hilt and annoyingly  stupid whom you can never have a logical conversation. Your mom has all the energy to go and convince everyone in the world  how bad i'm but has no interest to make this marriage work nor develop love or affection. She despised everything around me and everything about me.

I jumped the cliff with you, dont know the the the consequences are but the events are no more in my conrol