Feb 3rd

The court has granted Interim stay of all further proceedings on Jan 19 and it coming to an end on Feb 19.  elders were trying to negotiate with Shalini but given the kind of cunning, ruthless and street smart female she is she will not come for any settlement. she would want arayn back, and not want to withdraw the cases she files, even if she withdraws it by remote chance she will not say she made false allegations. The most disgusting female i ever came across. I came to know that she was a characterless person - got know if she is like Aninitha naidu's mom- and they digged her past and told be i got trapped to her.

Living with her would be sure short death , and how will Aryan grow in these circumstances? 

bail hearing

Dear Aryan,
You are fast asleep and i have some time to put my thoughts together.I feel your mommy is your mommy after, I think however much i love you and how much i long for you, i feel you need mommy too and eventually i would have to return you to her. Not because i fear legal consequences ( i'm  illegal anyway now with all the arrest warrant against me and the court cases), but my conscience is not comfortable. I would rather lose you to her than take you away from her. May be these are your last days with me....i dont know if i would ever see you.

I don't know if she ever see reason, if she does we wouldn't have been in this situation. Anyways, separation however painful is only choice. Hopefully i will get a bail tomorrow and may be shalini comes for a compromise. 

roller coaster ride

Nanna,
it has been a while i wrote ...a hell a lot things happened from Jan 3rd to now. Our whole world has changed upside down. Your mom wanted to take you and go back to Mumbai on 4th jan. She has hardly been back here  less than a week. I told her if you want to leave you can but Aryan is not going anywhere (I don't think she came back at her own will but i guess at her parents push. Though she was physically here i felt she just wanted to go back. Back in mumbai she has no responsibilities to take care of...her mommy does everything). She threatened that she will put me and my parents me behind bars,  i said try that.  And at her provocation,  i took you from her hands,  and she started screaming at top her voice that i'm taking you away (I wasn't at that moment, nor did have any plan to that effect. i just came back after taking you out for play and waiting to have dinner, and i'm on slippers with gym clothes. Moreover i need to take your grandfather to hospital the very next day). And your grandpa who was taking a stroll in the hall was perplexed about it all, and asked her why is she shouting? She shouted at him to "Shut up" and promptly started calling police. I grabbbed her phone and threw it down to prevent her calling police. She went and broke landline phone and was looking for break my laptop.to avoid any further trouble I went down with you and laptop back. I have watchman bending his head in shame. I didnt feel like staying there so i took you out in the car for drive within the apt complex.
No sooner, i m getting calls from police, and as she threatened before, i felt she is filing 498a case( which i came to know she did later) with no option left i left to airport to avoid any arrest.  The biggest regret i had was leaving my father like that.  He needed me. i feel sorry that i left him like that.

After that my whole life was downhill...we went to US, you are glued to me every single minute and i couldnt even go to toilet alone. There is guilt , frustration, anger, helplessness all combined together. One lady who is reposnsible for these state of affairs is your mother. A crroked lady, with twisted perception of reality, always angry or upset at something or other, and with undue and unjustified expecations, filed with anger and rage and exposively voilent behaviour, and her mother supporting her to the hilt and annoyingly  stupid whom you can never have a logical conversation. Your mom has all the energy to go and convince everyone in the world  how bad i'm but has no interest to make this marriage work nor develop love or affection. She despised everything around me and everything about me.

I jumped the cliff with you, dont know the the the consequences are but the events are no more in my conrol

Dear Aryan happy to see you back where you belong

Nanna,
Good to see you back with me. I was waIting for this day when your mom told me you would be visiting me for jan 1st. And also I was happy to spend time with you in Mumbai for 8 days prior to this. Thanks to your maternal grand parents, they were nice and cordial to me. 

I don't know how long you will be here, I guess still next episode, where your mom finds reasons to become voilent. I realized you can't do much to make a inherently unhappy, unloving  and voilent person happy. In anycase I'll do my best and remain calm throught  but can't surrender to unjust tantrums &demands.
Anyways I don't want to clog my mind with apprehensions and enjoy the present moment with you.
I'm sitting inthe hospital with your grand father, came here to get him operated for cataract. Hopfully it goes smooth and wiil have a better vision to see you.

Just thinking about medical profession, compared to engineers a doctor has better social standing. I love  to see you as a finest doctor, Hopefully you will persue this  feild. Above all I like to see you as finest human being.

Lovingly your Papa 

another day

Nanna,
Going through mental turmoil, what should i be doing? what's right? whats wrong? whats good for you and whats not. With this alienation  between us what kind of bonding we will have? slowly and steadily you will be emotionally distanced away from me. Your moms parents are selfish and have stolen you from me, they are part of this crime too with their vested interest in having you with them.

Should i give up hope on you??? Should i let you go? You are the only child i have and I have built all my hopes and aspirations around you. I don't know if you would ever feel pain and longing that your father feels for you.

The more i long for you the more this female will exploit me. Everytime i cant hold back from meeting you i have to walk into a devil's den ( or in her own words a Dracula's den)

I have married a most disgusting female that i have come across in  my life, a person who has no values, no morality, no character, tells lies at the drop of hat, filled with hatred & jealousy, and demands luxuries at others cost, no gratitude, no sense of respect nor dignity. says others don't love her but doesn't question herself what she has done to other so that they love her. Love does not flow out of vacume.People fear her violent and disgusting character. Even to take you to meet you paternal grandparent at most once in 2 weeks its is a uphill battle, and turmoil. If my folks talk in Telugu it's an issue and says we are dividing and ruling. Hello!! you married a Telugu guy? you didn't have issue then? She  lived life like miserable, violent, abusive, female who can dive any one crazy. I was such a fool marry her out of sympathy and thinking so called art of living follower and spiritual person. I was just conned in to marriage thinking she is peaceful, pious and happy girl. Little did i know what i was walking into hardly know her for 6 weeks before marriage. When i look back I'm actually surprised how i lived  with her enduring so many episodes where i had to go out of the house and stay in guest house or my parents place.

Does this kid of female would give you better life? better future? I don't think so.You will have no proper environment, no proper education and no proper career. Your life will be ruined!! 

almost been a week since i last saw you

Aryan Nanna/Bujjinana,
Its been a week since i last saw you. I keep wondering what you are doing..... playing with grand parents and your mother, who have taken you away from your papa.I'm physically here but you are always in my mind. I feel helpless, don't know what is the right thing to do. I don't know how you would grow up, none of your grand fathers kids turned up good any anything. I fear about your future, what you would become. I dont know if god exists but i fhe does why did he put me in this mess? what did i do wrong?

Nanna, papa was never in love other than you. You are my 1st true love. I miss your kisses and hugs.

your papa!!
Krishna

so happy to spend time with you

Nanna, Happy to see you and spend time with you. I was worried that you might not be able to recognize me. But its so heartening to see you run towards me hug me and glued to me all the three days i was with you.  When your Nani asked where is your papa you pointed towards me!! Its so fulfilling to hear you constantly say papa! papa! and papa! On one hand i'm immensely happy to see you and see how playful you are, while on other there is sense of immense loss, don't know what the future hold for you, and me, and how long this bond would continue. At best i'm a visiting farther visiting once a month for few days, with limited influence on you. the dreams i had about you and how i wanted to grow old  and see you grew up in to a able young man have slowly but steadily fading away. There is sense of  deep loss. However much i try to keep myself detached it is seems impossible to do that. I have little control on how fate unfolds. Just pray for well being and happiness.

your loving father
Krishna